Seventy One

I never truly believed it. I knew it but didn’t really think it would happen. And now that it has, I am shocked by the violence of my reaction. I am shocked by the pain in my heart and the tears the likes of which I have not cried since the death of my father.

I don’t go down to the banquet. I cannot bear to. I do not have the ability to put on a fake smile and pretend to eat. I huddle in the darkness of my room, alone and separate from everything. How can I bear to watch him ride away, never to return to the free lands?

The window rattles, and then flies open, and a moment later a shadowy figure falls into the room. I leap up, groping for my dagger.

“My lady!” Tanner calls from the floor. “Do not be alarmed!”

“Tanner!” I circle the bed and glare down at him. “What are you doing here?”

“You may not have realized it, but you were missed at the banquet.”

“I’m sure,” I look out the window and peer down the ivy-covered walls that descend towards the sea. “You truly are a fool. You could have died.”

“My lady, I am quite aware of that fact,” he groans.

“Then why did you do it?”

“Would you have answered the door?”

“No,” I admit, returning to flop down on the bed. “But you may use it, on your way out.”

“Zaphael,” he says quietly, standing up. “I was only concerned for you.”

“I appreciate it, but there is no need for your concern. I am simply not hungry.”

“Is that all?” He comes over to sit beside me. “It looks as though you have been weeping.”

I don’t answer, I just look away, angry at him for intruding on my solitude.

“I thought you were fond of Nemean, but I had no idea your feelings were so strong.”

“You don’t know what you are talking about. He is my friend. I am about to lose him, possibly forever.”

“You said you were a silly girl with silly notions once. Could it be...” his voice drifts suggestively.

His words are like a slap. I whirl on him. “How dare you make such presumptions?”

“I didn’t mean to offend you!”

I am on my feet. Tanner’s guesses are too shrewd, and it shakes me. It seems so long ago; when we were young and foolish, and an innocent touch was anything but. It was the only time my father ever raised a hand against me. His fury and panic was overwhelming, and I swore to him there on my knees that no sentiment was worth our lives. Since that day I have never allowed myself to dwell on feelings I simply cannot be allowed to have, and I truly believed them gone. “You are an ignorant shepherd, who doesn’t know anything about him, or me, or my feelings, or how things are!”

“I know how things are. We in Ludtz have heard all the stories of what happens to those who interfere in the customs of the Eastern tribesmen. I do not blame you for putting your feelings aside, but what about him?”

“What about him?”

“If I saw someone I cared for about to marry someone else, particularly one I knew she did not love, I would at least let her know my feelings before she vanished from my life forever.”

I choke on a sob, pressing a hand to my eyes. “A useless gesture.”

“You think love is useless?”

“Don’t say that. I told you love was too simple a notion for me. I told you...” I stop and set my jaw. How could I have been so mistaken about my own heart? But perhaps it is for the best. Now that I can see it, I understand my hesitation over Adamant’s words, and I know what I must do.

Tanner comes up behind me and lays his hands upon my shoulders. “I wish I could offer you come comfort, my lady. You may not believe it, but your sadness does trouble me.”

“I do believe you, but right now your attempts at comfort are only troubling me.”

He chuckles quietly, then leans forward and I feel him press his face to my hair for a brief moment. “Than I shall trouble you no longer. But do not think you are rid of me for good.”

“How could I ever think that?” I ask with a sniff.

He smiles and releases me, turning away and heading towards the door. I watch him leave, and sit slowly on the bed.

I know now what I need to do.